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BREAKING: Local Real Estate Agent Only Attends Tour for the Croissants

BREAKING: Local Real Estate Agent Only Attends Tour for the Croissants

Scottsdale, AZ – Real Estate agents have long utilized tour groups to expose their listing inventory to the local home selling community. A forum that allows agents to promote new and upcoming property listings to a group of fellow active area Realtors, the Real Estate tour group fosters the kind of behind-the-scenes marketing that many insist is greatly responsible for their success.

Or their gigantic backsides, at least.

In a stunning development, local Realtor Rich Anful claims that the four hour Tuesday morning boondoggles have added value to exactly one thing: his ass.

“Sure, it’s nice to meet and mingle with my colleagues every week to discuss our new business,” Anful stated when reached for comment at the Golden Corral. “But we’re really here for the waffles.”

Response to Anful’s bombshell was swift. Well, as swift as one could expect from this lumbering community of sauropods.

“Rich doesn’t speak for all of us,” fellow agent Abel Twerkins assured this reporter. “Most of us are here to actually work on behalf of our clients. Maybe his sales numbers would outpace his caloric intake if he put down the blueberry compote long enough to actually do some networking.”

Anful laughed off the criticism, insisting that his colleagues were simply protecting their golden goose.

“Look, all I’m saying is that we wouldn’t be having this conversation if these meetings were held at LA Fitness,” he assured, gesturing at his fellow agents. “Do I look like the only one here who brushes his teeth with a pork chop?”

“It’s glandular,” Twerkins responded, looking down into has own plate of smothered hash browns.

While none of the respondents polled could produce any tangible documentation that demonstrated a clear correlation between the weekly sales meetings and increased production, many assured this reporter that they had put together numerous off market deals as a direct result.

“Yes, I like the danish,” Bridget Waggles admitted, licking her fork. “I like the vendor raffles, too. More than that, though, I like to see the inventory firsthand. I also like to be the first to know about a new listing that might be coming up for one of my buyers.”

“Bridget hasn’t had a buyer in her car in three years,” Anful countered, looking out the window at a pink Mazda Miata. “Good thing, too.”

Reached for comment, National Association of Realtors spokeswoman Iris Knacks stated, “Om nom nom er gah” around a mouthful of jelly donuts supplied by a local title company.

 

Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE NEWS

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Press “0” for Functional Obsolescence

“So let me get this straight,” Samuel Rothwall said, interrupting the twenty-something year old wonderkid with the lime green mohawk. “You’re saying that young people prefer electronic mail for urgent correspondence?”

Bonzai, the assistant manager of the Verizon Wireless store, openly gawked at the old coot in front of him that fit somewhere between Steggosaurus and Woody Guthrie in the fossil record. He could practically smell the mothballs beneath the Barbasol.

“Exactly,” Bonzai replied. “Of course, if it’s really a matter of life or death, we use the pony express or carrier pigeons.”

“Oh, a wiseguy,” Samuel retorted, pointing at his younger counterpart with a shaky wooden cane. “You know, back in my day, we had a name for guys with tattoos on their necks.”

“What’s that,” Bonzai invited, smirking as he rubbed the two-dimensional spiderweb crawling out of his white polo shirt. The small garment was tent-like on his skeletal frame.

“Unemployed,” Samuel finished.

“Whatever, pops,” Bonzai rebutted. “You’re the one who came in here asking for my help, remember?”

“And my date to the junior prom wore those very earrings,” Samuel jabbed, unwilling to let the pissant claim the high ground.

“Thanks for coming in today,” Bonzai replied. “Come on back anytime you’re ready to trade in that Betamax you call a phone.”

The insufferable twit strutted back behind the counter, exchanging fist bumps with a pasty-faced teen who watched the exchange. The pair didn’t weigh two bills between them. Despite himself, Samuel was moderately impressed that either twerp was even aware there had been life before Blu-ray, let alone VHS.

“Alright, alright,” Samuel sighed, his eyes darting back and forth between the obsolete brick in his hand and the sleek new smartphones in the display case. “My granddaughter says I need one of these gizmos so I can watch her piano recitals wherever I go.”

“‘I’m sorry,” Bonzai replied, tilting his head and cupping a hand to his well-perforated ear. “What was that?”

Samuel gritted his teeth.

“I need your help,” he admitted.

“Come again?”

“I said I need your help,” Samuel repeated, louder. “Happy?”

“As a clam,” Bonzai affirmed, sauntering back around the counter with his sunken chest puffed to its fullest. “So where were we?”

“You were telling me when to text, when to email and when to call.”

“You never call,” Bonzai snickered. “You don’t buy a rocket ship to drive it to Sears. Calling requires conversation. The entire point of all this technology is to streamline communication, get your point across without sitting through twenty minutes of bullshit.”

“So if I don’t call, do I text,” Samuel asked, perplexed.

“Or Facebook or Tweet,” Bonzai agreed.

“Tweet?”

“That’s what it’s called when you say something on Twitter,” Bonzai condescended.

“What the hell is Twitter?

“Oh come on,” Bonzai moaned, exasperated. “You’re pulling my leg, right?”

Samuel just stared at the preening peacock, imagining what it would feel like to wrap his arthritic fingers around that scrawny neck and squeeeeeeeeeeze.

Bonzai sighed, shaking his ridiculous head ever so slightly.

“Twitter is a real time social medium that allows users to interact directly with people across the globe,” Bonzai recited, boredom lacing his uninflected voice.

“Like a telephone?”

“Yes, wait, no,” Bonzai answered. “A regular old phone is limited to the person you’re talking to on the other end. With Twitter, you can interact with anyone online by sending them an ‘at’ response or a direct message.”

“Like an email?”

“Yes, wait, no,” Bonzai repeated. “Look, you’re making this harder than it is–”

Samuel waved him off.

“No, you kids are the ones making things more difficult,” he chastised the human Otter Pop. “You could be curing prostate cancer with all this technology, but you’d rather use it to play Pacman on your telephones.”

“Pacman,” Bonzai exclaimed, his shrill burst of hyena-like laughter quickly degenerating into a coughing fit. “OMG, my dad loves that game!”

Samuel turned to leave.

“Hey, where ya going, pops,” Bonzai demanded, his voice strained. “I want to hear all about the phonograph!”

“We give you color television and you reinvent the telephone,” Samuel muttered to himself as he approached the glass front door.

He turned when he reached it, his fingers on the handle. Bonzai’s angular head was buried in his mobile device.

“Now I know why you don’t like talking to each other,” he announced.

Bonzai looked up, waiting.

“Because there ain’t a one of you got a damn thing to say worth hearing,” Samuel finished, wrenching open the door. “All the world’s wisdom at your finger tips, but not a lick of sense to go with it.”

The fifty four year old limped into the daylight, leaning on the cane he had relied upon since being broadsided by a texting driver the year before. The door rattled shut behind him.

“Tag me in that,” Bonzai instructed his co-worker, knowing he had surreptitiously photographed the exchange. “Going to submit it to National Geographic.”

The pair shared a brief chuckle before returning to their phones, casting the room in silence.

 

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Tap Out the Status Quo at GD Jiu Jitsu!

Tap Out the Status Quo at GD Jiu Jitsu!

Like most red-blooded American males, I was first introduced to the martial art known as Brazilian Jiu Jitsu back in 1993. A young, scrawny Brazilian by the name of Royce Gracie demonstrated the effectiveness of submission fighting by dispatching of much larger, scarier opponents with apparent ease in the inaugural Ultimate Fighting Championship, shocking the combat sports world in the process.

The Karate Kid was out. Grappling was in.

I knew I had to learn this new fighting style post haste. Unfortunately, there were precious few qualified Brazilian Jiu Jitsu instructors in the United States at the time, and virtually none here in the Valley.

When I went away to college the following year, I jumped at the first opportunity to join a dojo that taught “that Gracie Jiu Jitsu stuff.” It was a joke, the instructor a third-rate Master Ken (see below) who delivered pizza on the side. I was young and naive, but it didn’t take all that long for common sense to assert itself. I quit within six months after receiving the same number of belt promotions. Just think, if I had stuck it out for another couple of months, I likely would have received my black belt and replica samurai sword.

Yeesh.

When I returned home from college in 1997, I decided to give jiu jitsu another go. There were basically two options at this point: a legit gym run by a legit instructor in central Phoenix, and a marginal gym run by a somewhat shady instructor in South Scottsdale.

You would think I had learned my lesson and went with the legit school, right?

Wrong.

I spent a little over a year learning … well, very little. The training was very much oriented towards a Hulk Smash mentality rather than technical proficiency. I competed a handful of times, acquitted myself somewhat well on raw athleticism alone, but ultimately quit to focus on my fledgling Real Estate career after a spate of injuries interrupted my training.

Flash forward a decade and a half. Time had morphed that twenty-something year old kid into a married father of three. Proud of the career I had carved out and blessed by the family that surrounded me, there was no denying, however, that something was still missing.

I needed to be challenged. I needed to compete. I needed to reconnect with something that made me feel like … me.

I needed jiu jitsu.

azbjj_200This time, however, I was going to do it right. I was not just going to pick the nearest location. I was not going to train at a McDojo that gave away belts with their happy meals. I was most definitely not going to learn from an instructor who was only marginally more qualified to teach jiu jitsu than my 8th grade PE teacher.

After thoroughly researching all of my options, there was really only one choice: Gustavo Dantas Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (GDJJ).

With impeccable credentials, an excellent facility, and a stable full of high level practitioners / competitors, Gustavo’s academy was as good as it got.

Nervous but determined, I scheduled a trial class and donned a gi (kimono) for the first time in nearly 15 years. That was two years ago this past fall. Between that day and now, the tremendous instruction and good-spirited competition with skilled training partners has resulted in the kind of training that I have dreamed of experiencing since 1993. My skills on the mat have improved by leaps and bounds, and even more importantly, I have been able to demonstrate the value of hard work and dedication to my children. I get to show them rather than merely tell them.

kids jiu jitsuIn fact, my experience at GD Jiu Jitsu has been so positive that my wife and boys have taken classes as well. You see, jiu jitsu is not just for the fellas. Designed to give smaller, weaker persons a fighting chance against bigger, stronger opponents, the argument can be made that jiu jitsu is even more beneficial to women and children than it is to the super athletes in our midst. This is readily apparent in the family-friendly environment of Gustavo’s gym. You couldn’t ask for a more positive atmosphere.

Whether you train to compete, stay in shape, learn to defend yourself, blow off steam, or to simply challenge yourself, you will find no better venue for the pursuit of your goals than GD Jiu Jitsu.

 

A certified mental coach in addition to his decorated jiu jitsu pedigree (4th degree black belt and multiple time world champion under famed Nova Uniao co-founder Andres Pederneiras), Gustavo’s program is invaluable for those who need help coping with high-stress situations, both on and off the mat. The successes and failures one experiences along the way provide the impetus for personal growth that permeates all aspects of one’s life.

Looking for a change? Want to try something new? I highly encourage you to give jiu jitsu a shot. You are capable of far more than you know. It’s time you proved it to yourself.

 

See you on the mats!

GD Jiu Jitsu

 

 

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Welcome, Winter Visitors!

Welcome, Winter Visitors!

Greetings, Winter Visitors!

On behalf of the fine city of Scottsdale, I’d like to welcome you to the land of short sleeves and flip flops. Whether you are visiting us for the first time or have been making the annual pilgrimage for many years now, you are warmly welcomed. Literally.

There is no shortage of activities and attractions to enjoy during your stay. If I may be so bold as to offer a few suggestions, follow this link to read up on stuff to do in Scottsdale from a local’s perspective.

Now, if you are like me, you can’t help but toy with the idea of a second home purchase during the course of virtually every vacation you take. While those whims often fall by the wayside shortly upon returning home, they can make a lot of sense in Scottsdale’s case. I can only imagine how much you are spending per night in one of our five star resorts or furnished vacation rentals. If you plan on making an annual reprieve from the ice and snow a semi-normal thing, buying your own spot can be much more appealing than paying the hefty hotel tabs.

You can afford to stay longer, rent the place out when it’s not in use, and you get to sleep in your own bed.

Enough with the sales pitch, though. You wouldn’t have landed on this page if you weren’t already trolling vacation homes online. So without further ado, here are a few listing feeds created specifically with you in mind.

Low maintenance patio homes, gated condo / townhouse communities, homes near Old Town Scottsdale, homes near shopping centers, golf community homes, homes near attractions like Westworld and the Ice Den … it’s all just a bit further down the page.

See one you like? Call me and I’ll show it to you in five minutes. Okay, it might take slightly longer than that to set it up, but there is a message behind the hyperbole. I get very little rest during the high season. On call virtually 24/7 from January to May, I am here to help turn your pipe dream into reality.

 

Patio Homes

  1. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,147 sq ft
    Lot size: 8,276 sqft
    Year built: 1982
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,657 sq ft
    Lot size: 6,098 sqft
    Year built: 1959
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 4 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 2,272 sq ft
    Lot size: 12,632 sqft
    Year built: 1979
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Scottsdale Patio Homes.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Townhouses

  1. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 702 sq ft
    Year built: 1974
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 798 sq ft
    Lot size: 871 sqft
    Year built: 2001
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 731 sq ft
    Lot size: 871 sqft
    Year built: 1996
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Scottsdale Townhouses.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Condos

  1. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 702 sq ft
    Year built: 1974
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 798 sq ft
    Lot size: 871 sqft
    Year built: 2001
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 731 sq ft
    Lot size: 871 sqft
    Year built: 1996
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Scottsdale Condos .
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Golf Communities

  1. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 702 sq ft
    Year built: 1974
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 798 sq ft
    Lot size: 871 sqft
    Year built: 2001
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 731 sq ft
    Lot size: 871 sqft
    Year built: 1996
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Golf Communities - Scottsdale Condo/Townhouse.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Old Town Scottsdale Homes

  1. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,130 sq ft
    Year built: 1982
    Days on market: 2
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,491 sq ft
    Lot size: 3,049 sqft
    Year built: 1982
    Days on market: 7
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 1 bed, 1 bath
    Home size: 834 sq ft
    Year built: 2005
    Days on market: 7
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Homes Within 1/2 Mile of Old Town Scottsdale.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Homes Near Shopping Centers

  1. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,950 sq ft
    Lot size: 6,969 sqft
    Year built: 1952
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 3 beds, 1.75 baths
    Home size: 1,237 sq ft
    Lot size: 9,583 sqft
    Year built: 1948
    Days on market: 2
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,538 sq ft
    Lot size: 7,405 sqft
    Year built: 1956
    Days on market: 2
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all 85013.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Homes Near Salt River Fields

  1. 3 beds, 1.75 baths
    Home size: 1,465 sq ft
    Year built: 1974
    Days on market: 4
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,744 sq ft
    Lot size: 4,356 sqft
    Year built: 1978
    Days on market: 11
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 4 beds, 2.5 baths
    Home size: 2,136 sq ft
    Lot size: 4,356 sqft
    Year built: 1982
    Days on market: 32
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Homes Within 1/2 Mile of Salt River Fields.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Homes Near Westworld

  1. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,844 sq ft
    Lot size: 6,098 sqft
    Year built: 1995
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,092 sq ft
    Year built: 1998
    Days on market: 4
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 4 beds, 2.5 baths
    Home size: 2,764 sq ft
    Lot size: 7,840 sqft
    Year built: 2009
    Days on market: 5
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Homes WIthin 1 Mile of Westworld.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Homes Near the Ice Den

  1. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,852 sq ft
    Lot size: 5,662 sqft
    Year built: 2005
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 4 beds, 2.5 baths
    Home size: 2,764 sq ft
    Lot size: 7,840 sqft
    Year built: 2009
    Days on market: 5
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,528 sq ft
    Lot size: 2,613 sqft
    Year built: 1997
    Days on market: 8
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Homes Within 1 Mile of the Coyotes Ice Den.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

Not seeing what you’re looking for? Create your own custom home search here!

 

 

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What Is a Patio Home?

What is a patio home?“Alright, alright. Mickey’s a mouse, Donald’s a duck, Pluto’s a dog. What’s Goofy?”

– Gordie, Stand By Me

 

Patio homes: what are they?

If you have been in Scottsdale for any period of time, or have been shopping for a home from afar, you have undoubtedly encountered the term patio home more than once.

You know what a single-family home is. You know what a condo is. You even know what a townhouse is.

But what the hell is Goofy?

The term, patio home, is not a legal descriptor. It does not describe a style of ownership. It is really more of an idea than a legal thing.

For brevity’s sake, we’ll define a patio here in accordance with prevailing wisdom. Most consider a patio home to be a cross between a townhouse and a single-family home; a hybrid, if you will. Patio homes bridge the divide between traditional housing types. You can think of a patio home like a single-family home that has been plopped onto a townhouse sized lot. That’s a gross oversimplification, of course, as patio homes come in all shapes and sizes, but this post is to serve as a handy crib sheet, not a thesis.

The idea is to provide housing with relatively low outdoor maintenance without sacrificing the size of the home itself. In other words, patio homes are tailored to those who still want the privacy and comforts of a single-family home, just not all of  the headaches and expenses that come with the standard single-family lot.

The typical patio home may be attached to a neighboring property by one or two common adjoining walls (like most townhouses), or be free-standing (like most single-family homes). Many patio homes are single level, but they can have multiple levels, too. Patio homes typically do not have neighbors above or below them, as is common with apartment style condos.

Patio home ownership varies from development to development. Some entail fee simple ownership (you own the lot in addition to the structure). Some entail condo ownership (you do not own the lot, just a fractional interest in the common area).

Responsibility for property maintenance varies as well. Some communities have very active homeowner associations that provide for front landscaping maintenance as well as select exterior structural maintenance of the homes themselves. Other patio home communities more closely reflect single-family ownership, in which homeowners are fully responsible for all maintenance associated with their properties. You need to check community CCRs to determine exactly what is and what is not covered by the HOA in a patio home development.

If you like the idea of a smaller, low-maintenance lot, but aren’t quite ready to step all the way down to a townhouse or condo, a patio home might be just the thing for you. Popular with seasonal residents as well as full-time residents who frequently travel or simply prefer a little less upkeep, patio homes exemplify the lock-and-leave lifestyle that many Scottsdale home buyers seek.

So there you go. Not so Goofy after all, is it?

Ready to start your Scottsdale patio home search? Follow the new listing feed below for the very latest active listings, updated daily!

  1. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,147 sq ft
    Lot size: 8,276 sqft
    Year built: 1982
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  2. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,657 sq ft
    Lot size: 6,098 sqft
    Year built: 1959
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  3. 4 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 2,272 sq ft
    Lot size: 12,632 sqft
    Year built: 1979
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  4. 3 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,702 sq ft
    Lot size: 4,791 sqft
    Year built: 2000
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon
  5. 2 beds, 2 baths
    Home size: 1,844 sq ft
    Lot size: 6,098 sqft
    Year built: 1995
    Days on market: 1
    Broker reciprocity icon

See all Scottsdale Patio Homes.
(all data current as of 1/18/2018)

Listing information deemed reliable but not guaranteed. Read full disclaimer.

 

 

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