this & that (Real Estate Humor & Fiction archives)

This Old House

Was it the sagging beam on my front porch? Is that what drove you away? Was it my flimsy windows? My unruly yard? What about my fading paint convinced you that I was unworthy of a fresh coat? When did all the trudging about up and down my stairs become too much of an annoyance?…

BREAKING: Local Real Estate Agent Only Attends Tour for the Croissants

The spoils of real estate tours

Scottsdale, AZ – Real Estate agents have long utilized tour groups to expose their listing inventory to the local home selling community. A forum that allows agents to promote new and upcoming property listings to a group of fellow active area Realtors, the Real Estate tour group fosters the kind of behind-the-scenes marketing that many…

Press “0” for Functional Obsolescence

“So let me get this straight,” Samuel Rothwall said, interrupting the twenty-something year old wonderkid with the lime green mohawk. “You’re saying that young people prefer electronic mail for urgent correspondence?” Bonzai, the assistant manager of the Verizon Wireless store, openly gawked at the old coot in front of him that fit somewhere between Steggosaurus…

Final Walkthrough

Do a walkthrough!

A Real Estate Allegory

CALL ME

Leaning back in a black leather swivel chair while he pondered the day ahead, Jimmy Dietz closed his eyes against the rising glare from the room’s only window. For perhaps the millionth time, he cursed his decision to select the only bedroom in the house with eastern exposure for his home office. That had been…

Cover Letter

Dear Francis, I showed your property at 123 E Via Linda yesterday, and my clients absolutely loved the home. As evidence, please find their attached offer. Knowing you are likely to receive additional offers on this listing, allow me to provide a little background on the buyers. Niels and Maureen, or “Nemo,” as I call…

‘Tis the Season to Reanimate A Realtor

Early navigated the room with a panache befitting the guest of honor. The fact that he was but one of the invited many did nothing to discourage the lopsided grin from his freckled face. This was his night. Spying a familiar couple loitering in the vicinity of the punch bowl, Early staggered in their direction….

Real Estate Market Bi-Polar; Follows Suicide Attempt with Raging Kegger

June 20, 2012 Scottsdale, AZ – As anyone who has attempted to buy or sell a home over the past seven years can attest, the Real Estate market has proven unstable at best. New findings released by the Phoenix-based American Behavioral Coalition this morning may explain why. “The Scottsdale Real Estate Market suffers from Schizoaffective…

Seller’s Market

Max Welling sipped from the “Denny’s” emblazoned ceramic mug, gritting his teeth against the watered-down confection masquerading as coffee within, the inviting aroma nothing more than a ruse. A useful diversion as he mentally composed his argument, the swill was nonetheless an affront to his connoisseur’s sensibilities. “Good, huh,” his smug companion inquired, seeking less…

Deep Freeze

“Why is his skin all splotchy?” Chip Donaghue stared at the pathetic, grey man on the gurney. Tubes ran in and out of his crystallized body, connecting him to a bank of beeping machines and monitors. “Sublimation is typical,” the humorless doctor beside him announced. “Sublimation?” “Freezer burn,” the doctor clarified, his high-pitched voice at…

Real Estate Agent Goes Along to Get Along

Scottsdale, AZ – Recent studies suggest that consumers still envision salesmen as fast-talking, slick-haired, turquoise-pinkie-ring-flashing hucksters who would sooner eat their own gold teeth than hesitate to push their mothers into traffic if caught standing between them and a sale. Which makes the case of Agnes Friedman all the more unusual. “I’m more of a…

Out of Ideas, Real Estate Blogger Turns to Trolling

BSRE NEWS – In a long anticipated move, an obscure Real Estate blogger has announced she is completely out of fresh content ideas. “I just don’t know what to write about now that my cat died,” Dolores Pentupangst of Katy, Texas lamented. “Frolix was good for one, maybe two posts a week with his wacky…

Sales Pitch

Reggie stared at the pen. Held between the thumb and index finger of the hand that emerged from a white coat sleeve, the golden implement caught and reflected the overhead lights in mesmerizing fashion.  No doubt by design. Reaching to accept the offering, he did so not of his own volition.  As had been the…

Welcome Back, REO Agents!

Greetings REO Agent, As the foreclosure crisis here in Scottsdale is beginning to show signs of easing, if not exactly abating, your fellow Real Estate professionals are eager to welcome you back to the ranks of humanity. You’ve been missed! You’ve done what you needed to do to stay afloat during the difficult times of…

Forever Views

Abe Flemming studied the open notepad on his desk. A daunting list of phrases stared back at him. There was a golden egg hidden within the black chicken-scratch, he just needed to find it. He started at the top and worked his way down. This Home Does Not Suck! Abe chuckled at his first entry,…

Realtor Flips Script, Reviews Customers

Scottsdale, AZ – Tired of being the one under a microscope, a local Scottsdale Real Estate agent has turned the tables on the service review paradigm. Barry Wong, a residential Realtor with Prickly Pear Properties, says the time has come for consumers to enjoy the same level of scrutiny to which service providers are subjected….

On This Day In Real Estate

On this day in Arizona Real Estate: 11/23/1881 – The first Real Estate disclosure laws go into effect for the young territory on the heels of the sale of a corral in Tombstone with a non-disclosed stigma. Claiming he would have paid considerably less for the property had he been aware of its recent history…

Scottsdale Home Inspector Declares War on Leaky Pipes, “Dumbass Realtors”

Scottsdale, AZ – A Valley home inspector has declared war on leaky pipes. And Real Estate agents. Tired of consumer demands for advice on matters outside of the scope of his services, Lester Hubble has announced on his small business website that receives up to four visits a day that all future inquiries about what…

Report: Appraiser Works Feverishly to Prevent Appreciation in Housing Market

Carefree, AZ – A Valley appraiser is fighting back against the fledgling housing recovery. Citing a disturbing trend in sales data that indicates home prices may be inching up in some parts of the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, Dieter Gaines of Hindsight Appraisals is leading the charge against what he considers to be bubble-inducing, artificial…

Longtime Home Shopper Fires Agent, Adopts Springer Spaniel

11/14/2011 Scottsdale, AZ – In a turn of events that only the most astute amateur psychologist could have seen coming, a longtime Phoenix area home shopper has split with her Real Estate agent of four years. Sources indicate that Haley Cosmo had become frustrated in recent months with the lack of attention she was being…

Willy Was a Liar

Willy was a liar. Not a teller of tall tales, not a stretcher of the truth, but a pathological liar. Whether swearing that his Uncle Doug played cowbell on Blue Oyster Cult’s ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper,’ or assuring an unsuspecting child that one plus one equals purple, weaving extravagant falsehoods came as naturally to the…

Real Estate Investor Attempts Tax-Deferred Exchange; Gets ‘Occupied’

Scottsdale, AZ – A Valley man attempting a tax deferred housing exchange has met with unlikely opposition: the self-described ‘ninety nine percent’. Retired postal worker Bryce S. Rhite is currently in the middle of selling the South Scottsdale investment property he has owned for thirty years. Utilizing a device known as a 1031 Tax Deferred…

Local Real Estate Brokerage Cancels Popular Charity Event, Cites Lack of Leads

Paradise Valley, AZ – Citing a lack of viable leads, local Real Estate giant, Kraken Realty has announced the cancellation of its annual ‘Strike Out Gout!’ charity event. A Valley institution since 1992, the popular fundraiser has been a bright spot in the fight against advanced podiatric disease for nearly two decades. “It’s with great regret…

Local Real Estate Agent Admits Home Not Really ‘A Steal’

Cheap Scottsdale Houses

In a stunning declaration, local Scottsdale Real Estate agent Barry Sniggles admitted today that his listing at 1007 N Firewater Blvd is not really a steal. While it is unclear exactly what prompted the confession, Sniggles has been besieged with demands from consumers and REALTORs alike to recant his bombastic claims about the modest three…

The House on Foreclosure Hill

"They're (not) here!"

The wind whipped up and down Oak Street, depositing stray leaves at the feet of the group loitering in front of the last house at the top of the hill. The late October chill worked its way inside loose seams and under plastic masks as the motley assemblage of superheroes and ghouls faced each other…

Online Home Evaluation

“Friedster, what the hell are you doing with that chicken?” Startled, Ned Friedgen looked up to find his moon-faced boss hovering in the doorway. “Oh. Hi, sir,” the design engineer acknowledged. “Just fiddling with the ‘Nequity’ algorithm again.” Squawk! “What’s with the blindfold,” Baron Schlumpf pressed as he eyed the fowl. Ned’s brow wrinkled in…

Three Agents Walk Into a Bar

Three Real Estate agents sat shoulder to shoulder at the bar of a local watering hole, sipping happy hour cocktails like they did every Friday. One made his bones in the current market as a bank owned property (REO) specialist. Another had carved out a niche in the short sale arena. The third had migrated…

Realtors To Stop Photographing Themselves in Bathroom Mirrors

Scottsdale, AZ – According to a hastily released statement from the National Association of Realtors this morning, the 1.2 million active members of the nation’s largest trade organization will hereby stop including themselves in property listing photos. Effective immediately, the public will be assured that any agent appearing in the reflection of a master bathroom…

The Tenant and the Cabana Boy

Joyce DeMannon traced a white glove-encased fingertip over a lamp shade and inspected it for residue. Satisfied, she gave a curt, reluctant nod to the head of the maid staff. “Turndown service every morning, of course,” the chambermaid informed her dour guest. “Standard mint on the pillow, or you can inform my staff of a…

Americans Divided on Real Estate Recovery

(Scottsdale, AZ) – Coke versus Pepsi. Republicans versus Democrats. Ginger versus Mary Ann. You can throw the Real Estate recovery onto the list of great American debates. According to recent polling* of consumer confidence by the Fallacy-Inclined Bureau of Statistics (FIBS), 59% of Americans believe that now is a “very good” time to buy a…

Internet Asks Bloggers to “Please Stop”

In a stunning reversal of internal policy, the Internet has asked that bloggers stop adding new content to the collective mainframe. “It’s gotten out of hand,” Zachary Omega of the Internet confided when reached for comment. “We didn’t think it was possible for there to be too many blogs about the rigors of raising abused…

New NAR Initiative Forces Realtors to Update Avatars

(Washington DC) – In a statement released this morning, the National Association of Realtors® announced a new initiative aimed at curbing abuse in photographic representation amongst its membership in the virtual sphere. “This initiative has been ten years in the making,” according to NAR spokesman,Trevor Null. “Ever since Realtors entered the online space en masse,…

Bad Faith

“What do you mean I can’t back out on the inspection,” James “Jamo” Monahan demanded. “Say the frigging icemaker doesn’t work or something.” “Like I told you earlier, James, er, I mean Jamo,” Agnes DeMerrit explained to her disingenuous client on the other end of the line. “There is no second bite at the apple…

Walter Deklan’s Great Escape

Sully strolled into the dingy office bullpen ten minutes late with his cell phone glued to his ear. He held up a well-tanned finger to still the chatter around him. “I don’t care if you have to charter a rowboat and pick them up yourself, just get’em here by tomorrow or so help me God…

50 Things I’ve Learned Since 2007

One does not live through a Bubonic Real Estate Plague without lancing a few boils, or learning a thing or fifty. For your own edification, I give to you the lessons of a post-bubble Scottsdale Real Estate agent. ________________________________________________________________________________ Real Estate values can, indeed, decline. Oh, how they can decline. “Short sale” is synonymous with…

REALTORs Released Back Into the Wild

Feb 9, 2013 09:45 AM Disassociative Press _______________________________________________________________________ SCOTTSDALE (DP) – A four year federal wildlife program to rehabilitate the sagging numbers of a local animal population has proven to be a rousing success, according to Dr. Slade Winders of the Herpetological Society of North America.  Non-indigenous to the Sonoran Desert, Realtus Serpentes is believed…

Somewhere on an Online Real Estate Forum …

Q & A: Home Buying in 85258 I want to buy a home that is for sale in McCormick Ranch for $495,000. I’ve heard I can get a better deal if I don’t use an agent, is this true? Also, what is the normal amount to take off the list price for an offer? Need…

Standard Bank Addendum

Standard Addendum to Purchase Contract Purchase Agreement for a First Bank of Asbestos (henceforth referred to as “Seller”) property is non-binding unless this addendum has been attached and fully executed by all parties. In the event of a dispute between the language of the Purchase Agreement (or subsequent addenda) and this addendum, the terms of…

Short Sale Confidential

The clandestine meeting took place at twelve thirty on a Thursday. Two men armed with black briefcases approached each other in the darkness, flanked by muscle-bound henchmen who busied themselves looking tough. The second-hand light refused to fully illuminate either faction. “You were to come alone,” Drago admonished his older rival. “As were you,” Arvloski…

An Honest Comparative Market Analysis

Comparative Market Analysis to Establish Top Market Value for the Property Located at 8560 E Turkey Way, Scottsdale, AZ 85250 Prepared for James and Heidi Knives on 1/21/2011 Recent  Activity in Hayden Estates (7/21/10 – 1/21/11) Status #Listings List Price Sold Price Sale/List Price Approx. Sq Ft List Price Per Ft Sold Price Per Ft Days on Market…

Intervention

The Steadfasts barged through the garage door as the familial octopus they’d become, arms and legs of varying sizes jostling to cross the threshold first. “Gently, Blaine! Put it down gently,” Alexis bellowed after the seven year old victor who approached the kitchen counter at breakneck speed. “Mom, Blaine pushed me,” five year old Daniella…

Feedback

Damon’s cell phone buzzed in his pocket as he stepped out of the stately house and into the warmth of late April in Scottsdale, Arizona. Checking the display, he recognized the number from the four previous calls he’d let roll to voicemail. Whoever it was, his mystery caller was pretty keen on speaking with him…

GPS

“I’ll dust it, but I’m telling you, it’s a waste of time.” The lanky crime scene investigator known as Phelps kneeled beside the passenger door of the beige sedan and opened his kit. He shook his head as he studied the eruption of prints on and around the chrome handle, his floppy, straw-blond hair betraying…

How Not To Draft Your Short Sale Hardship Letter

To whom it may concern, I am drafting this explanation of hardship in attempt to effect a short sale of my property located at 88 W. Tantalus Lane, Scottsdale, AZ 85258. When I purchased the property on 1/16/2005, I was under the impression that Real Estate values never declined. That’s what the guy doing the…

Repair Demand Negotiation … or … The Art of Imploding the Deal (Humor)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 1 (5 days ago)   Reply [v] Dear Barry, I am happy to inform you that the buyer has concluded his inspections for Impasse TL. Outside of a few minor issues that he would like the seller to address, we should be good to go. Please find…

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a … What the Hell Is It?

Somewhere in 2008 … “Yeah, and if Abe Lincoln wore a skirt, he’d a been the bearded lady,” Ramiro scoffed.  “Look, I don’t care how it got there, all I’m telling you is it wasn’t there on Tuesday.” The three flannel clad men stood shoulder to shoulder around a five by eight foot depression in…

The Poltergeist Home Inspection Report

Date: 12/17/10 Location: 666 S. Hanson LN, Scottsdale, AZ 85258 Client: Scheptich, Myron Present At Time of Inspection: Buyer, Buyer’s Agent, Malevolent Spirit(s) Time of Inspection: 1:57 PM MST Weather Conditions: 72F degrees, clear skies, light winds out of the SE. Note: Findings limited to visible observations of property condition at the time of inspection….

Desk Job

“And here is the mezzanine. Happy hour runs between five and six, Monday through Friday. Three dollar wells and half-price appetizers. You have to try the shrimp cocktail. It’s to die for.” The new arrival looked about in wide-eyed wonder. He hadn’t known what exactly to expect, but it most certainly wasn’t … this. “This…

The Borrowing

“Did you get a look at your attacker?” Gertrude looked down at her bare feet before responding to the patrolman. “I told you, it was dark. And bright,” she explained. Her matted, grey hair clung to her scalp in incongruous clumps. “Dark and bright. Got it, ma’am,” Officer Page replied, as if it were the…

Failed Business Slogans

As I prepare to place a new business card order for the first time in forever, certain aspects of its predecessor can stand some revision. After years of template neglect, for instance, I’m humiliated to admit that my email still reflects the AOL address I acquired in college. While not amongst the technology snobs (you…

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