Failed Business Slogans

As I prepare to place a new business card order for the first time in forever, certain aspects of its predecessor can stand some revision. After years of template neglect, for instance, I’m humiliated to admit that my email still reflects the AOL address I acquired in college. While not amongst the technology snobs (you know who you are) that mock those still utilizing the America Online paradigm, I made the switch to a branded gmail account several years ago. I’d say I never looked back, but that would be a gross distortion of the truth as I have to log in sporadically to ensure I haven’t missed any correspondence from a holder of one of the 3″ x 2.5″ instruments of disinformation I continue to dispense with impunity. Or for confirmation of my Nigerian lotto winnings (funny, I don’t recall purchasing a ticket …). While ironing out such inconsistencies, it’s probably not a bad idea to include passing reference to the website to which I’ve devoted THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY FREAKING LIFE either.

So I can be somewhat resistant to change, sue me. One person’s hoarding is another person’s preparedness. Roll your eyes if you must, but don’t come looking to borrow my red parachute pants when breakdancing comes back.

Amongst the myriad changes that Business Card 3.0 will entail, I figure it’s time to roll out a new tagline. You know, like Hasta la vista, buyer, or I’ll be back … with a standard AAR purchase contract. Just updated to have a relevant, modern edge. Given the changes in the industry over the past few years, I need a blurb that tells people I am hip to the new jive. Let’s try a few out.

Transparency, it’s all the rage in modern internet marketing. With that in mind, we could always cut straight to the quick with, You need a house. I sell houses.  Boom, done.

Post-Bubble Apocalyptic: Leg stuck in a negative-equity bear trap? I have a saw.

Partisan: Freaking Obama. (alternate version: Freaking Boehner)

Short Sale Negotiation: Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

The Foreclosure Specialist: Predators, Incorporated. You need’em, we bleed’em.

The Roger Waters BPO: Hello, is there anybody in there?

The Lawrence Yun: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

The John Merrick: I am not an animal, I’m a licensed Realtor!

The Full Monty: I’m broke. Buy something!

The REHarmony.Com: Deep Levels of Compatibility with Your Money

The Ike Turner: Slapping the taste out of value’s mouth since 1999!

The British Petroleum: Your guide to housing values that have fallen by 2%. Okay maybe 5%. 15% tops. Alright, 60%, but it’s not like you can’t go commune with a cactus in the Gobi, you bunch of moisture-starved jawas.

The Chilean Miner: Trapped in an underground mortgage since 2006, and I all got was this lousy t-shirt.

The Baby Jessica: Posers.

The Max Von Sydow: Your REO Hellhole Exorcist

The B of A: Your One Man Foreclosure Moratorium

The FED: Going Out Of Business Sale, All Rates Must Go!

The Realist: Paul’s House of Puppeteering, Magic and Real Estate

The Obscurist: When your donkey brays in fiscal agony, don’t let it bleed out on the berber carpet

The Serial Market Killer: Have you checked the Zestimate? (alternate: It puts the charge-off on its credit)

On second thought, maybe I should just let the marketing talent at HA Media save me from myself.


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