Dear Francis,

I showed your property at 123 E Via Linda yesterday, and my clients absolutely loved the home. As evidence, please find their attached offer. Knowing you are likely to receive additional offers on this listing, allow me to provide a little background on the buyers.

Niels and Maureen, or “Nemo,” as I call them, are being relocated from Indiana by Iradium Technologies, where they work in the product testing division. They have three glowing children between the ages of one and seven, so the property falling within the Cochise Elementary School district is a huge selling point for them. Nothing is more important to them than Joseph, Joselyn and little Jo Jo.

Niels is a veteran of both the Salvation Army and the Peace Corps. Crazy, but VA financing is not available to our soldiers of righteousness, so they are going to go FHA. Just as soon as they convince one of their parents to gift them the down payment funds. Maureen’s mother is gullible, but forgetful. Rest assured, they’ll secure those funds eventually. They don’t have any money for closing costs either, what with the medical bills for the kids, so asking the sellers to credit them the maximum allowable 6% of the purchase price. We are also asking them to leave the glassware and a few rolls of toilet paper. The pot pies in the freezer would go a long way.

Having been beaten out by “better” offers several times already, my clients will do whatever it takes to win the day. In fact, they have authorized me to offer the sellers full use of the guest shower for up to a year after closing, provided they contribute to the water bill and be mindful of the peak hours for the load controller we are asking the sellers to install prior to the close of escrow.

Lacking the funds for an earnest deposit, they are willing to offer the indentured servitude of any two of their three children en lieu of cash consideration. Joseph is the biggest and strongest, but he requires the most food and sleep. He seems to have hit a growth spurt. He eats nearly every other day, and often has to be roused after three hours of sleep to make it to his day job on time. Joselyn may not look like much, but she’s steady. She’ll work from sunup to sundown without a break. Don’t be fooled by little Jo Jo, either. He may not be the most mobile of the three, but he will clean the hell out of whatever spot you plop him on. As long as you are willing to move him every couple of hours, he’ll knock out a room better than any service you’ve ever hired! They all tend to bleed profusely from their ears and noses. Just an fyi.

As you can see, this is the house for my clients. While you may receive higher offers from more qualified buyers, they are all terrible people who will defecate upon the sellers’ memories of this very special home. My clients will only defecate in the bathrooms. Well, not the one they have reserved for your clients’ use. That would be rude.

We humbly ask that you choose us. Pre-possession works, right? Niels is a bit of a snorer, but he’s a wiz with little fixes around the house. The moving van is scheduled for tomorrow. We’ll need help paying for it.


Will U. Hepme, REALTOR



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