The Poltergeist Home Inspection Report

Date: 12/17/10

Location: 666 S. Hanson LN, Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Client: Scheptich, Myron

Present At Time of Inspection: Buyer, Buyer’s Agent, Malevolent Spirit(s)

Time of Inspection: 1:57 PM MST

Weather Conditions: 72F degrees, clear skies, light winds out of the SE.

Note: Findings limited to visible observations of property condition at the time of inspection. Lemonbusters, LLC not responsible for property deficiencies discovered subsequent to the date noted on line 1 of this report. Damages for errors and omissions limited to the cost of inspection.

Grounds

Distinguishing Lot Characteristic: Hillside

SW corner of property bisected by natural arroyo. Recommend additional investigation to determine if designated flood plain.

Possible earth fissure detected in east side yard between garden and block wall along property line.

Front and rear sprinkler systems detected, but not tested.

Note: Homesite familiar to inspector – believes his great aunt Stella may have been buried in the atrium. Possible explanation for faulty grade present at that location.

Exterior Structure

Heaving to concrete slab of front sidewalk and separations at the north stem wall of the home indicate possible settling issues. Recommend further investigation by structural engineer to determine presence of expansive soil and extent of damage to foundation.

Main Roof

Concrete tile applied over underlayment. Noted three (3) cracked tiles on southern slope (photos 1a & 1b). Vent stack penetrations require resealing. Improper flashing in valleys. Recommend evaluation and repair by licensed roofer.

Garage

Standard two-car stall with attached utility room. Slight discoloration in concrete noted, likely motor oil.

Attic access limited by ectoplasmic resin. Ominous thumping and disembodied caterwauling in crawlspace between trusses not inspected.

Water heater functional, but nearing the end of its useful life. Manufacturer’s label indicates 13 years old. Unit speaks indecipherable dead language not recognized by Western civilization at the time of this inspection.

Interior – Kitchen

Vent stack from fan hood terminates in the attic, resulting in improper ventilation. Recommend repairs.

Kitchen outlets not GFCI protected. Code did not mandate at time of construction, but recommend consultation with licensed electrician to assess safety hazard.

Flooring slab appears to be notably off-level as chairs observed sliding from one end of the room to another throughout the course of the inspection. (photos 2a, 2b, 2c, 2d, 2e, 2f)

Anti-tip device not installed at range/oven.

Interior – Master Bath

Left master sink slow draining.

Tub/shower diverter valve not functional.

Water shut off valves frozen at both sinks.

Recommend evaluation and repairs by licensed plumber.

Interior – Hall Bath

Toilet runs after flushing. Literally. Recommend securing base to floor with reinforced lag bolts.

Interior – Family Room

Cracked picture window at west wall has breached seal and fogging between the panes. Recommend repair/replacement.

Appearance of two restless apparitions noted at stairwell. Unable to make definitive age determination.

Interior – Bedroom 2

Damage to drywall at south wall (photo 3a).

Heavy staining to carpet (cosmetic) (photo 3b).

Interior – Bedroom 3

Demonic entity precluded inspection of walk-in closet. Recommend seller make accessible prior to final walk-through.

Air/Heat

Ambient temperature allowed for unit to be tested in both heating and cooling modes. Unit functioned properly in heating mode, but did not attain optimal temperature split in cooling mode. Recommend evaluation and service by licensed HVAC tech.

Electrical System (Main)

Sixteen double taps (two circuits running to the same breaker) located in the main panel. Panel improperly grounded to the underworld.

220V line for the dryer improperly wired to rheostat.

Multiple instances of 60W bulbs in ceiling fans and wall sconces illuminating past structural limitations and shattering. Recommend capping exposed wiring until replacement bulbs can be installed and cause determined.

Reversed polarity at “half-hot” outlet in den. Improper splicing of the 110V line at the same outlet appears to power the portal to hell in the sub-floor. This would be considered faulty installation.

Recommend complete evaluation of electrical system by licensed electrician.

Pool

“Pops” in plaster appear to represent cosmetic deterioration. Recommend monitoring for further degradation or appearance of rebar staining.

Pool motor not grounded.

Pool light does not function when garage door open or curling iron plugged into bottom outlet of the master bath.

Backwash valve leaks when activated, allowing for possible release of evil (known carcinogen) into the ecosystem. Recommend replacing packing nut and hosing any/all displaced life force off cool deck. Further recommend upgrading from carbon to “DH” filter to improve overall filtration and water quality.

Inspection of main drain cut short by chanting and otherworldly green glow emanating beneath its housing. Original contractor appears to have only moved the head stones. Recommend licensed contractor exhume and relocate bodies of trapped spirits to undeveloped plot.

Review of entire pool system required by licensed pool contractor.

General Observations

This home is in overall good structural condition with a few action items that require immediate attention. In addition to the findings noted previously in this report, inspector recommends burning sage in all four corners of every room and consulting with licensed shaman for proper incantation/invoking of ancestors.

As exorcism typically falls outside the scope of standard home warranty policies, recommend paying for extended Max Von Sydow coverage.

Dead cypress tree outside bedroom 3 window too close to structure. Possible root penetration and moisture damage to foundation. This species of tree has been known to come to life during violent thunderstorms and devour children. Recommend consultation with professional arborist about relocating tree elsewhere on the premises.

Possible termite damage noted at garage stemwall. Recommend evaluation and treatment for wood destroying organisms.

In the event “they’re here” or ever become “here,” inspector recommends professional remediation by licensed exterminator.

Front door latch sticks.

_________________________________________________________________________

Lemonbusters, LLC not responsible for supernatural occurrences and/or the actions/findings of our referral partners in the psychic realm. Should your home be declared clean by a third party affiliate, Lemonbusters, LLC is in no way liable should your child subsequently be attacked and dragged under his/her bed by a maniacal clown.

Lemonbusters, LLC recommends consulting a specialist prior to going into and/or staying away from the light.

Lemonbusters thanks you for your business and wishes you the best of luck with your new home!

Please like & share:
  • Now that’s a house I hope I never sell! lol

  • Can you imagine the seller property disclosure and insurance loss history report?

  • Is this your home address by any chance?

  • If only I were clever enough to have thought of that, Kate. I just combined the name of my despised 4th grade teacher and the number of the beast, and presto … instant devil house 😉

  • Leslie Ebersole

    How is it possible that there is no mold found? Perhaps only Illinois has a state law requiring that an inspector note the presence of a mold-like substance at every inspection. And what about radon? Can’t your inspectors intuitively detect radon from 3 miles away?

  • Little known fact that ASHI designated inspectors cannot differentiate between mold, radon, termites and phantasms, Leslie. When in doubt, check all the boxes.

About the author
Paul Slaybaugh is here to sell houses and chew bubble gum. He's all out of bubble gum. More About Me >>>

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