Repair Demand Negotiation … or … The Art of Imploding the Deal (Humor)

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OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 1 (5 days ago)   Reply [v]
Dear Barry,
I am happy to inform you that the buyer has concluded his inspections for Impasse TL. Outside of a few minor issues that he would like the seller to address, we should be good to go. Please find the following list of repair items, and let me know if you have any questions. I’ll go ahead and schedule contractors while we await seller signature.
Action Items:
  • Repair wood rot at NE fascia board above garage.
  • Repair leak at main water valve and install pressure regulator to bring pressure below 90 PSI.
  • Remove dated 30” oak cabinetry in kitchen and replace with 42” dove-tailed, raised-panel cherry.
  • Laminate counter tops throughout home to be replaced with level 5 granite of buyer’s choice. Beveled edge or beaver cut.
  • Seller to credit buyer $20,000 towards stainless steel appliance package.
  • Water staining at SW corner of third bedroom closet ceiling. Roof to be replaced.
  • Garage to be enclosed as livable square footage with 18 Seer A/C unit and R-19 factor insulation batts installed.
  • Neighbors on east side of home to paint their trim.
  • Water heater installed in 2008. Nearing the end of its useful life. Seller to upgrade to solar and assign tax credit to buyer.
  • 50’ x 500’ moat to be constructed between front yard planter and porch by licensed contractor under the guidance of medieval historian. Seller to credit buyer $5000 towards stocking with reptilian of buyer’s choice.
  • Helipad with Starbucks kiosk installed above third story addition (see permit plans already submitted to the city).
  • Stucco damage at front facade to be patched.
  • “My Little Pony” theme in bedroom 4 to be changed to “Toy Story” motif, complete with life-sized Buzz Lightyear figurine and fully operational rocket ship.
  • Ceiling fan in master bedroom to be removed to make room for trapeze.
  • Strike plate on hall bathroom door to be realigned to close properly.
  • In addition to these minor fixes, buyer requests that seller agree to personally return to premises to make needed repairs to property for up to five (5) years after closing.
I look forward to your positive response. Please fax executed agreement to (888) 317-1635.
Thanks!
Chet
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We pin’em, you skin’em
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RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 3 (3 days ago)   Reply [v]
Chet,
Thank you for furnishing the buyer’s inspection notice. After careful consideration of the repair items, the seller proposes a closing cost credit en lieu of repairs in the amount of go f&%$ yourself. Please find official response attached and forward to title once executed.
Best,
Barry
Bartholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
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RE: RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail … GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 4 (2 days ago)   Reply [v]
Barry,
My client thanks the seller for the considerate response. Just a minor tweak to the addendum and we’re all set. Please see counter offer and have seller initial changes.
Thanks,
Chet
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR GPS SUV DR DRE ABBA STD
*National Junior Honor Society Member, Outstanding Achievement in Reading Recipient, Cochise Elementary – 1976, Melba Island Pie-Eating Contest Runner-Up: 1993, Eagle Scout, PTA Enthusiast*
VelociRealtors, LLC
We pin’em, you skin’em
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RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 5 (1 day ago)   Reply [v]
Chet,
Thank you for agreeing to our terms. Please crumple up the previous response which you erroneously forwarded and shove it straight up your @$$. I will watch my fax for the executed acceptance.
Barry
Batholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE  (Can you even spell CRS?)
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
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RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail … GOOD 1:17 PM(1 hour ago)   Reply [v]
Barry,
The buyer challenges the seller to a no-holds barred mud-wrestling match on 2/1 at Cesar‘s Palace. Standard Thunderdome rules apply, with the bout to be sanctioned by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Winner receives the losing party’s signature and 60% of the pay per view.
Chet
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We Pin’em, You Skin’em
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RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail … 2:04 PM (12 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
Chet,
The seller accepts on the condition that Flavor Flav, Sandra Day O’Connor and the guy who played the dad on Alf serve as celebrity judges.
Barry
Bartholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
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RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail 2:07 PM (9 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
Do you want to call title with the cancellation or should I?
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We Pin’em, You Skin’em
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RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail 2:10 PM (6 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
I’ll do it. Gotta check on loan docs for another file anyway. Tell Janet I said hello. We still on for Saturday?
Bartholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
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RE: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse 2:13 PM (5 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
Yep, we’ll meet you at 8. Bring your wallet. Told you this one wasn’t going anywhere. 😉
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We Pin’em, You Skin’em
Please like & share:
  • Russell Lewis

    I may have to include this educational piece in my buyers packet!
    Russell Lewis´s last blog post ..Kodak Moment Remembering a Good Man

  • O.M.G. Absolutely brilliant. Humour a la John Irving, as in, it sneaks up on you and then makes you snort your beverage of choice out your nostrils, while young offspring look at you and say, “What are you doing, Mommy?” Write the damn book. Start now. Now! I said NOW!!!

  • Russell

    Back again, I was showing this to some others in my office and when I open the Counter Offer link, everyone burst out laughing & there was also some applause!

  • While I should wag my finger at the production hiatus you enabled amongst your colleagues, I’m just gonna thank you for spreading the virus that is this blog to more warm hosts instead. 😉 Great talking with you today. Let’s do it again soon.

  • Zig when they expect you to zag. I’m surprised I can still sneak up on you guys at all anymore, but pleased whenever I can manage it. Thanks for dropping by, Tanya.

  • I was worried about what I was going to see when I saw the counter offer. Glad to see it was a different body part than what I was expecting to see. 😉

    This was hilarious, P, as usual.
    Melina Tomson´s last blog post ..So close…

  • Wait til you see what I’ve got drafted for tomorrow 😉

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Paul Slaybaugh is here to sell houses and chew bubble gum. He's all out of bubble gum. More About Me >>>

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