Carefree, AZ – A Valley appraiser is fighting back against the fledgling housing recovery. Citing a disturbing trend in sales data that indicates home prices may be inching up in some parts of the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, Dieter Gaines of Hindsight Appraisals is leading the charge against what he considers to be bubble-inducing, artificial advances.
“If there is anything to be learned from the frenzy of two thousand four to two thousand six,” Gaines said of the unprecedent spike in home values that precipitated the crash of two thousand eight. “It’s that we can never again allow the runaway train of home appreciation to destabilize our market.”
Pressed on whether a free-falling market could really be further undermined by the natural period of recovery that follows a decline, Gaines was adamant.
“Sure,” he noted. “Just a mild gain here, or a slight bump there seems harmless enough if taken as isolated phenomena, but it’s a slippery slope … or incline, as it were. Left unchecked, the entire market is running uphill before you know it.”
Believing all forms of appreciation to be creations of the criminally gullible and Democrats, Gaines is determined to single-handedly stymie the next crisis before it starts.
“Last one I did was an acre parcel in the Town of Paradise Valley,” Gaines said. “Custom home, two thousand nine construction, purchase price of one point six million. Comped out at about one point nine. Thought I was screwed until I found a pig farm twelve miles away that helped me bring it in low.”
Not all Real Estate professionals are sold on the revolutionary approach Gaines refers to as ‘forced market normalcy’.
“Idiot thinks he’s the Amazing Kreskin,” one local Realtor who asked to remain anonymous complained when reached for comment. “I gave him ten solid comps from the past three months that justified purchase price, and he still managed to divine that the house was worth a thousand less than a willing buyer and seller agreed to in the open market.”
“Judgment calls,” Gaines explained with a smile when presented with a host of such complaints.
“I mean, a thousand less,” the anonymous agent added. “On a three point eight million dollar sale? I don’t know whether to kick him in the teeth or take him to Vegas. Little prick must kill it at the roulette table.”
“Sometimes I feel guilty about standing between homeowners and their equity,” Gaines admitted. “But then I swallow a handful of barbiturates and sit down to watch Natural Born Killers until it goes away. Usually wake up three days later in a truck stop restroom, right as rain.”
Responding to claims that he is leveraging the ‘Declining Market’ stigma to ensure his top-of-line status with underwriters and banks who are all too happy to suppress values, and in turn, the financial risk of each new loan they fund, Gaines admitted to a certain level of satisfaction.
“Realtors have been looking over my shoulder for years, questioning my evaluations,” he explained on followup, acknowledging that new regulations intended to decrease market volatility have made it easier for him to deflect such scrutiny. “Well, now that the shoe is on the other foot, I’ve got a question of my own.”
“How ya like me now, b1$ch?”
The Arizona Board of Appraisers declined comment on this story.
Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011