Standard Addendum to Purchase Contract
Purchase Agreement for a First Bank of Asbestos (henceforth referred to as “Seller”) property is non-binding unless this addendum has been attached and fully executed by all parties. In the event of a dispute between the language of the Purchase Agreement (or subsequent addenda) and this addendum, the terms of this addendum shall prevail. Under no circumstances shall the terms of this addendum be altered by any party other than Mephistopheles himself.
Buyer, ______________________________, understands that the property located at _____________________________ in _______________________, _______ has been acquired through foreclosure (or similar jurisdictional process) by Seller. As such, Seller has no knowledge of the property’s history and makes no warranties, express or implied, as to its condition.
*Buyer acknowledges that Seller doesn’t know s&$% _________ (Buyer Initials)
In the unlikely event that Seller should learn anything about the condition or history of the property at any time during the course of the transaction, Seller still doesn’t know s&$%.
Buyer to include child’s pet bunny rabbit with all offers. Upon verbal notice of Seller’s acceptance of the Purchase Agreement, Buyer to deposit earnest funds in the amount of $1,000,000 in non-sequential bills in the offshore account of the Seller’s choosing. Should Buyer fail to deposit earnest funds within twenty four (24) hours of verbal acceptance, the rabbit dies.
Upon delivery of earnest funds, Buyer to be granted fifteen minutes to complete all desired physical inspections of the premises. Should Buyer require utilities to be turned on prior to inspection, Buyer may do so at his/her expense if he/she can properly name the tune of the Seller’s choosing in three notes. Should Buyer request any repairs be completed prior to Close of Escrow, Seller reserves the right to cancel this transaction, retain the earnest funds as damages and drop the Buyer off in the middle of the desert wearing a blindfold and bologna underwear.
*Buyer acknowledges that Seller won’t fix s&$% _________ (Buyer Initials)
In the event of a financed offer, Buyer to obtain full loan approval within ten seconds of execution of the Purchase Agreement. Close of Escrow to occur on a date convenient to Seller. Possibly next June. Maybe September. Seller to notify Buyer of the Close of Escrow Date on the day of closing. Should Buyer fail to perform, causing the closing to be delayed, Seller reserves the right to cancel this contract without further notice or grant an extension to the Buyer at a penalty of $100,000 per day. In the event that Buyer does not possess sufficient funds to meet these terms, Buyer may elect to name Seller in his/her Last Will and Testament and/or as sole beneficiary of the life insurance policy taken out in the amount owed.
*Buyer acknowledgement to “Watch your back, Jack.” ________ (Buyer Initials)
Upon successful Close of Escrow, Buyer agrees to be placed on the First Bank of Asbestos mailing list to learn about exciting new products and promotions before anyone else. Removal from our “Happy Homeowner Database” or enforcement of the provisions set forth in the National Do Not Call List Registry will result in Buyer missing out on special deals and helpful new homeowner tips, but participation is completely voluntary. Buyer is free to waive monthly subscription to “Understanding the Home We Told You We Know Nothing About” newsletter at any time.
*Buyer acknowledges that we still have the bunny. _________ (Buyer Initials)
We thank you for selecting a First Bank of Asbestos home and look forward to denying your refinance application in the future on the grounds that there may or may not be a leaky underground missile silo on the premises that we don’t know s&$% about.
First Bank of Asbestos Representative Date