this & that (Real Estate Humor & Fiction archives)

The Appointment

“I’m not going to GIVE my house away!” Blaine leaned back in his seat, laced his fingers behind his head and closed his eyes. This appointment was over. It was over before it started, in fact. A humorless smile played at the corners of his mouth. “Something funny,” the would-be seller demanded. “No, Mr. Davis,…

The Bogus Gimmick of the Week: Calling All Carnivores!

Man was not meant to live on plants alone.  It’s true.  For the fruit and nuts enthusiasts in our midst, I point to the presence of your canines as proof that you are doing it wrong.  While your squeamish frontal lobe may prevent you from supping on our furry friends, your crocodilian brain never stops…

Paradise Lost

“You mean, it’s ours? It’s really ours?” They were so excited. Even after I handed them the keys, they were slow to believe that the modest Spanish bungalow was now in their adoptive custody. Over the course of four exasperating months, we must have seen and dismissed close to a hundred homes. This one needed…

The Bogus Gimmick of the Week: Free-Falling

Last week’s stint in the frozen food section didn’t cool you all the way off, you say? That’s the thing about summer.  It’s still summer when you go back outside.  What if I were to up the ante and solicit your business with the promise of something a bit more lasting?  For this week, and…

Bogus Sales Gimmick of the Week: Human Popsicle

The tax credit has come and gone.  The snowbirds have returned to their assorted tundras for the thaw.  The Memorial Day throng is now a memory.  What is a salesman to resort to when his resort town trades an idyllic spring for the mercury-bending summer that looms larger than Kirstie Alley at a Weight-Watchers’ reunion? …

Bogus Sales Gimmick of the Week: Free Haggus

It's What's For Dinner ... If You Buy a House Today

Sound the bagpipes! In honor of our Gaelic brethren who put the “Scot” in “Scottsdale,” the bogus sales gimmick of the upcoming week is all you can eat haggus for two at the local pub of your choosing. Sign a listing agreement or exclusive buyer’s representation agreement with Ray & Paul today, sup on stomach-encased…

Soliloquy

A well-heeled businessman strode into the foyer of a nondescript office building.  Tossing a nod over his shoulder at the exiting secretary who held the door for him, he failed to suppress the knowing grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth.  A quick appraisal of the surroundings threatened to dampen his buoyant mood,…

Negotiation

Ninety two contentious minutes into a 90 minute contest, the pitch is littered with casualties. Spent forwards, midfielders and fullbacks slogging wearily through stoppage time. Lungs seared from fruitless forays into the opposing half of the field, calves and hamstrings cramping from dehydration, members of both squads looking to the official for mercy. Stop the…

The Scottsdale Real Estate Investor: Bacterium or Probiotic?

the scottsdale real estate investor as bacteria

Real Estate Investor. The phrase alone inspires a host of reactions that run the full gamut between antipathy and, well, slightly lesser antipathy, depending on the audience. As any semi-interested news watcher and industry blog reader can attest, the Real Estate investor is the greatest scourge to befall our fragile ecosystem since polybutylene plumbing. What,…

Throwing Rocks at the Ice Cream Man

Ever throw rocks at the ice cream man when you were a kid? I did. I have absolutely no idea why either.  Were we bored?  Most likely.  Did we suspect him of secretly poisoning the chocolate milkshakes?  Absolutely.  Of course, we also had it on good authority that the house at the end of the street…

The 12 Steps of Real Estate Recovery

You have a problem.  Your family sees it.  Your friends see it.  At the eye of the storm, only you lack the perspective to clearly recognize the wake of wanton destruction spawned by your vice.  Despite your feeble protestations to the contrary, you need help.  Your addiction does not end with you.  It touches the…

I Am A Realtor. The Fate of the Planet Is In My Hands.

The fate of the entire planet rests in your hands. Hire a Realtor!

Chemotherapy for the Capitalistic Soul

Nobody likes taking their medicine, but it is often a necessary evil. Let’s hope the financial doctors are writing the right scripts.

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