Find the Perfect Neighborhood ... Take Quiz

Scottsdale Home Inspector Declares War on Leaky Pipes, “Dumbass Realtors”

Scottsdale, AZ – A Valley home inspector has declared war on leaky pipes.

And Real Estate agents.

Tired of consumer demands for advice on matters outside of the scope of his services, Lester Hubble has announced on his small business website that receives up to four visits a day that all future inquiries about what the seller is obligated to fix will be directed to his blistered middle finger.

“I offer home inspection services, not transactional advice,” an exasperated Hubble explained when reached for comment. “Want to know what to do with the information provided in my report? Talk to the guy in the khakis and eighty dollar sunglasses.”

“Your Realtor,” Hubble clarified. “You know, the guy making three percent to show up for the last five minutes of the inspection and act like he knows the difference between his ass and a hole in the freon line.”

Reached for comment, local Realtor Dolores Dunmisset acknowledged that she had no idea what she requested on the last repair demand list she submitted on behalf of a client.

“GFCIs, HVACs … most of the stuff in those reports sounds like a designation I should have on my business card,” she chuckled. “I just know that if it shows up on the last page, it’s broken and we want it fixed.”

“Me and a few of my friends started adding bogus items to our reports a few months back,” Hubble confided. “Since ninety nine percent of these idiots would call their handyman for a repair bid on a faulty particle accelerator so long as it appeared in the summary, we have a running bet to see who can get the craziest thing included in a demand list.”

Asked if he was bitter that Realtors, who would seem to know very little about the actual workings of a house, stand to earn an inordinately high fee for every transaction in comparison to the $250-450 he charges per inspection, Hubble did not equivocate.

“Yes.”

Hubble did admit that he had encountered a handful of agents over the years who actually asked pertinent questions and sought clarification on the exact nature of the deficiencies noted in his reports, but was quick to add that stumbling upon those rare exceptions was akin to discovering Bigfoot playing lawn darts with the Loch Ness Monster in Area 51.

“A needle in a blown-in stack of fiberglass,” he explained.

Unbeknownst to them, those very agents are the unwitting commodities being wagered by Hubble and his cohorts in what has turned into a high stakes affair.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “Winner gets books of preferred agent business from the losers. Losers fight over the game show hosts and Fembots.”

Asked if he was winning the contest, Hubble shook his head.

“I really need to up my game if I’m going to top Fahlengrade. Reverse polarity on a traversable wormhole within the sump pump was epic.”

Reached for comment, the National Association of Realtors released a statement warning consumers to consult their home inspection specialist about the dangers of faulty wiring.

 

–Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011

Please like & share:

Repair Demand Negotiation … or … The Art of Imploding the Deal (Humor)

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 1 (5 days ago)   Reply [v]
Dear Barry,
I am happy to inform you that the buyer has concluded his inspections for Impasse TL. Outside of a few minor issues that he would like the seller to address, we should be good to go. Please find the following list of repair items, and let me know if you have any questions. I’ll go ahead and schedule contractors while we await seller signature.
Action Items:
  • Repair wood rot at NE fascia board above garage.
  • Repair leak at main water valve and install pressure regulator to bring pressure below 90 PSI.
  • Remove dated 30” oak cabinetry in kitchen and replace with 42” dove-tailed, raised-panel cherry.
  • Laminate counter tops throughout home to be replaced with level 5 granite of buyer’s choice. Beveled edge or beaver cut.
  • Seller to credit buyer $20,000 towards stainless steel appliance package.
  • Water staining at SW corner of third bedroom closet ceiling. Roof to be replaced.
  • Garage to be enclosed as livable square footage with 18 Seer A/C unit and R-19 factor insulation batts installed.
  • Neighbors on east side of home to paint their trim.
  • Water heater installed in 2008. Nearing the end of its useful life. Seller to upgrade to solar and assign tax credit to buyer.
  • 50’ x 500’ moat to be constructed between front yard planter and porch by licensed contractor under the guidance of medieval historian. Seller to credit buyer $5000 towards stocking with reptilian of buyer’s choice.
  • Helipad with Starbucks kiosk installed above third story addition (see permit plans already submitted to the city).
  • Stucco damage at front facade to be patched.
  • “My Little Pony” theme in bedroom 4 to be changed to “Toy Story” motif, complete with life-sized Buzz Lightyear figurine and fully operational rocket ship.
  • Ceiling fan in master bedroom to be removed to make room for trapeze.
  • Strike plate on hall bathroom door to be realigned to close properly.
  • In addition to these minor fixes, buyer requests that seller agree to personally return to premises to make needed repairs to property for up to five (5) years after closing.
I look forward to your positive response. Please fax executed agreement to (888) 317-1635.
Thanks!
Chet
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We pin’em, you skin’em
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 3 (3 days ago)   Reply [v]
Chet,
Thank you for furnishing the buyer’s inspection notice. After careful consideration of the repair items, the seller proposes a closing cost credit en lieu of repairs in the amount of go f&%$ yourself. Please find official response attached and forward to title once executed.
Best,
Barry
Bartholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

RE: RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail … GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 4 (2 days ago)   Reply [v]
Barry,
My client thanks the seller for the considerate response. Just a minor tweak to the addendum and we’re all set. Please see counter offer and have seller initial changes.
Thanks,
Chet
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR GPS SUV DR DRE ABBA STD
*National Junior Honor Society Member, Outstanding Achievement in Reading Recipient, Cochise Elementary – 1976, Melba Island Pie-Eating Contest Runner-Up: 1993, Eagle Scout, PTA Enthusiast*
VelociRealtors, LLC
We pin’em, you skin’em
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail …GOOD NEWS!!! Jan 5 (1 day ago)   Reply [v]
Chet,
Thank you for agreeing to our terms. Please crumple up the previous response which you erroneously forwarded and shove it straight up your @$$. I will watch my fax for the executed acceptance.
Barry
Batholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE  (Can you even spell CRS?)
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail … GOOD 1:17 PM(1 hour ago)   Reply [v]
Barry,
The buyer challenges the seller to a no-holds barred mud-wrestling match on 2/1 at Cesar‘s Palace. Standard Thunderdome rules apply, with the bout to be sanctioned by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Winner receives the losing party’s signature and 60% of the pay per view.
Chet
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We Pin’em, You Skin’em
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail … 2:04 PM (12 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
Chet,
The seller accepts on the condition that Flavor Flav, Sandra Day O’Connor and the guy who played the dad on Alf serve as celebrity judges.
Barry
Bartholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail 2:07 PM (9 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
Do you want to call title with the cancellation or should I?
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We Pin’em, You Skin’em
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse Trail 2:10 PM (6 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
I’ll do it. Gotta check on loan docs for another file anyway. Tell Janet I said hello. We still on for Saturday?
Bartholomew Shackles CRS GRI ABR CDPE
Shack and Awe Realty
Alienate, Detonate & Move Into What’s Left!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
RE: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: OU812 E. Impasse 2:13 PM (5 minutes ago)   Reply [v]
Yep, we’ll meet you at 8. Bring your wallet. Told you this one wasn’t going anywhere. 😉
Chester Montgomery, REALTOR
VelociRealtors, LLC
We Pin’em, You Skin’em
Please like & share:

The Poltergeist Home Inspection Report

Date: 12/17/10

Location: 666 S. Hanson LN, Scottsdale, AZ 85258

Client: Scheptich, Myron

Present At Time of Inspection: Buyer, Buyer’s Agent, Malevolent Spirit(s)

Time of Inspection: 1:57 PM MST

Weather Conditions: 72F degrees, clear skies, light winds out of the SE.

Note: Findings limited to visible observations of property condition at the time of inspection. Lemonbusters, LLC not responsible for property deficiencies discovered subsequent to the date noted on line 1 of this report. Damages for errors and omissions limited to the cost of inspection.

Grounds

Distinguishing Lot Characteristic: Hillside

SW corner of property bisected by natural arroyo. Recommend additional investigation to determine if designated flood plain.

Possible earth fissure detected in east side yard between garden and block wall along property line.

Front and rear sprinkler systems detected, but not tested.

Note: Homesite familiar to inspector – believes his great aunt Stella may have been buried in the atrium. Possible explanation for faulty grade present at that location.

Exterior Structure

Heaving to concrete slab of front sidewalk and separations at the north stem wall of the home indicate possible settling issues. Recommend further investigation by structural engineer to determine presence of expansive soil and extent of damage to foundation.

Main Roof

Concrete tile applied over underlayment. Noted three (3) cracked tiles on southern slope (photos 1a & 1b). Vent stack penetrations require resealing. Improper flashing in valleys. Recommend evaluation and repair by licensed roofer.

Garage

Standard two-car stall with attached utility room. Slight discoloration in concrete noted, likely motor oil.

Attic access limited by ectoplasmic resin. Ominous thumping and disembodied caterwauling in crawlspace between trusses not inspected.

Water heater functional, but nearing the end of its useful life. Manufacturer’s label indicates 13 years old. Unit speaks indecipherable dead language not recognized by Western civilization at the time of this inspection.

Interior – Kitchen

Vent stack from fan hood terminates in the attic, resulting in improper ventilation. Recommend repairs.

Kitchen outlets not GFCI protected. Code did not mandate at time of construction, but recommend consultation with licensed electrician to assess safety hazard.

Flooring slab appears to be notably off-level as chairs observed sliding from one end of the room to another throughout the course of the inspection. (photos 2a, 2b, 2c, 2d, 2e, 2f)

Anti-tip device not installed at range/oven.

Interior – Master Bath

Left master sink slow draining.

Tub/shower diverter valve not functional.

Water shut off valves frozen at both sinks.

Recommend evaluation and repairs by licensed plumber.

Interior – Hall Bath

Toilet runs after flushing. Literally. Recommend securing base to floor with reinforced lag bolts.

Interior – Family Room

Cracked picture window at west wall has breached seal and fogging between the panes. Recommend repair/replacement.

Appearance of two restless apparitions noted at stairwell. Unable to make definitive age determination.

Interior – Bedroom 2

Damage to drywall at south wall (photo 3a).

Heavy staining to carpet (cosmetic) (photo 3b).

Interior – Bedroom 3

Demonic entity precluded inspection of walk-in closet. Recommend seller make accessible prior to final walk-through.

Air/Heat

Ambient temperature allowed for unit to be tested in both heating and cooling modes. Unit functioned properly in heating mode, but did not attain optimal temperature split in cooling mode. Recommend evaluation and service by licensed HVAC tech.

Electrical System (Main)

Sixteen double taps (two circuits running to the same breaker) located in the main panel. Panel improperly grounded to the underworld.

220V line for the dryer improperly wired to rheostat.

Multiple instances of 60W bulbs in ceiling fans and wall sconces illuminating past structural limitations and shattering. Recommend capping exposed wiring until replacement bulbs can be installed and cause determined.

Reversed polarity at “half-hot” outlet in den. Improper splicing of the 110V line at the same outlet appears to power the portal to hell in the sub-floor. This would be considered faulty installation.

Recommend complete evaluation of electrical system by licensed electrician.

Pool

“Pops” in plaster appear to represent cosmetic deterioration. Recommend monitoring for further degradation or appearance of rebar staining.

Pool motor not grounded.

Pool light does not function when garage door open or curling iron plugged into bottom outlet of the master bath.

Backwash valve leaks when activated, allowing for possible release of evil (known carcinogen) into the ecosystem. Recommend replacing packing nut and hosing any/all displaced life force off cool deck. Further recommend upgrading from carbon to “DH” filter to improve overall filtration and water quality.

Inspection of main drain cut short by chanting and otherworldly green glow emanating beneath its housing. Original contractor appears to have only moved the head stones. Recommend licensed contractor exhume and relocate bodies of trapped spirits to undeveloped plot.

Review of entire pool system required by licensed pool contractor.

General Observations

This home is in overall good structural condition with a few action items that require immediate attention. In addition to the findings noted previously in this report, inspector recommends burning sage in all four corners of every room and consulting with licensed shaman for proper incantation/invoking of ancestors.

As exorcism typically falls outside the scope of standard home warranty policies, recommend paying for extended Max Von Sydow coverage.

Dead cypress tree outside bedroom 3 window too close to structure. Possible root penetration and moisture damage to foundation. This species of tree has been known to come to life during violent thunderstorms and devour children. Recommend consultation with professional arborist about relocating tree elsewhere on the premises.

Possible termite damage noted at garage stemwall. Recommend evaluation and treatment for wood destroying organisms.

In the event “they’re here” or ever become “here,” inspector recommends professional remediation by licensed exterminator.

Front door latch sticks.

_________________________________________________________________________

Lemonbusters, LLC not responsible for supernatural occurrences and/or the actions/findings of our referral partners in the psychic realm. Should your home be declared clean by a third party affiliate, Lemonbusters, LLC is in no way liable should your child subsequently be attacked and dragged under his/her bed by a maniacal clown.

Lemonbusters, LLC recommends consulting a specialist prior to going into and/or staying away from the light.

Lemonbusters thanks you for your business and wishes you the best of luck with your new home!

Please like & share:

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)