Welcome Back, REO Agents!

Greetings REO Agent,

As the foreclosure crisis here in Scottsdale is beginning to show signs of easing, if not exactly abating, your fellow Real Estate professionals are eager to welcome you back to the ranks of humanity.

You’ve been missed!

You’ve done what you needed to do to stay afloat during the difficult times of the past few years, but now that your bank business is slowly petering out, we have a few tips to help ease the transition back to regular old resale transactions. By following the advice herein, you should have little trouble re-assimilating with the general population.

  1. Invest in some Supra lockboxes. We don’t fault you for not wanting to spend $70 a pop for an electronic box when you were carrying 50 listings at a time (okay, we do, but we aren’t ones to carry a grudge), but it’s a small sacrifice for the security of your mom and pop clients and ease of access for your fellow agents now that you are down to two overpriced townhouses.
  2. You have to return phone calls again. As a busy professional, we understand that you can’t always field a call. Just bear in mind before letting everything roll to voicemail purgatory that you will need the sales force now that you can’t rely on grossly underpriced homes to do the job for you.
  3. Burn your addenda. Then piss on it. Every last piece of superfluous documentation that your employing banks made we hard-working stiffs submit in advance of a purchase acceptance.
  4. Regarding feedback on your new resale listings … um, yeah, not going to happen until you update us on the status of every unanswered offer we have collectively submitted on your REO listings over the past five years.
  5. Camera phone listing photos … time to rethink this one. We recommend mixing in a shot or two of the interior while you’re at it. Human sellers appreciate marketing.
  6. Be advised that our sellers will respond to all offers you draft in 3-5 business days. Or thereabouts. Your business is important to us, and we thank you in advance for your patience.
  7. We do NOT advise touting your recent success of underselling the neighborhood, or looking equity sellers directly in the eye on your first forays back into the wild. They will charge.
  8. Planning on working with buyers again? They are those vaguely homo sapienish looking creatures you have been studiously ignoring since 2006. We’d be happy to make introductions. They don’t think you really exist.
  9. Time frames matter again.
  10. Send the legion of fresh-faced assistants back for their diplomas. They still have a chance to make something of their young lives.

And most importantly, remember to have fun. Because we’re going to have a bunch of it at your expense in the coming months.

Sincerely,

The Real Estate Community

PS – We may have taken a few of your former clients while you were gone. Our bad. If you can pick any of yours out of a lineup, we will gladly return them. If not … tough titty for you, fishface.

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Note: This bit of light-hearted fare is purely satire and not intended to impugn the integrity and/or professionalism of my fellow REALTORS.

Much. 

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Scottsdale Home Inspector Declares War on Leaky Pipes, “Dumbass Realtors”

Scottsdale, AZ – A Valley home inspector has declared war on leaky pipes.

And Real Estate agents.

Tired of consumer demands for advice on matters outside of the scope of his services, Lester Hubble has announced on his small business website that receives up to four visits a day that all future inquiries about what the seller is obligated to fix will be directed to his blistered middle finger.

“I offer home inspection services, not transactional advice,” an exasperated Hubble explained when reached for comment. “Want to know what to do with the information provided in my report? Talk to the guy in the khakis and eighty dollar sunglasses.”

“Your Realtor,” Hubble clarified. “You know, the guy making three percent to show up for the last five minutes of the inspection and act like he knows the difference between his ass and a hole in the freon line.”

Reached for comment, local Realtor Dolores Dunmisset acknowledged that she had no idea what she requested on the last repair demand list she submitted on behalf of a client.

“GFCIs, HVACs … most of the stuff in those reports sounds like a designation I should have on my business card,” she chuckled. “I just know that if it shows up on the last page, it’s broken and we want it fixed.”

“Me and a few of my friends started adding bogus items to our reports a few months back,” Hubble confided. “Since ninety nine percent of these idiots would call their handyman for a repair bid on a faulty particle accelerator so long as it appeared in the summary, we have a running bet to see who can get the craziest thing included in a demand list.”

Asked if he was bitter that Realtors, who would seem to know very little about the actual workings of a house, stand to earn an inordinately high fee for every transaction in comparison to the $250-450 he charges per inspection, Hubble did not equivocate.

“Yes.”

Hubble did admit that he had encountered a handful of agents over the years who actually asked pertinent questions and sought clarification on the exact nature of the deficiencies noted in his reports, but was quick to add that stumbling upon those rare exceptions was akin to discovering Bigfoot playing lawn darts with the Loch Ness Monster in Area 51.

“A needle in a blown-in stack of fiberglass,” he explained.

Unbeknownst to them, those very agents are the unwitting commodities being wagered by Hubble and his cohorts in what has turned into a high stakes affair.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “Winner gets books of preferred agent business from the losers. Losers fight over the game show hosts and Fembots.”

Asked if he was winning the contest, Hubble shook his head.

“I really need to up my game if I’m going to top Fahlengrade. Reverse polarity on a traversable wormhole within the sump pump was epic.”

Reached for comment, the National Association of Realtors released a statement warning consumers to consult their home inspection specialist about the dangers of faulty wiring.

 

–Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011

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The Case of Paul Slaybaugh and His Accidental Relocation Team

The Case of Paul Slaybaugh and His Accidental Relocation Team

It will come as no ground-shaking revelation that I want your business when you buy or sell a home in Scottsdale, Paradise Valley or the greater Phoenix area.  It’s what I do, and I solicit that business, sometimes subtly, sometimes beat-you-over-the-head-with-my-resume overtly, within the confines of this blog on a daily basis.  While there is little mystery in the primary services I offer to local consumers (“buyer’s agent,” “listing agent” and “headache sherpa” are all acceptable guesses), there is another aspect to this diligent Realtor’s usefulness that is sometimes overlooked: the quality referral.

Sure, consumers think to seek the names of local contractors and professionals from their respective agents, but what of the out of area service providers?  Whether the client is relocating or seeking assistance for a friend or family member in another location, they often take to the internet or phone book to find assistance.  Little do many know that the very best resource for an out of area referral is none other than their own local agent.

In years past, we agents were often very brand loyal in the placement of our referrals.  Whether due to a conscious effort to keep things “in-house,” a matter of convenience, or a case of hoping the same corporate shingle would translate to a similar work ethic/methodology, we were limited by available resources.  These days, however, the explosion of Real Estate driven websites, blogging platforms and social media has helped connect forward-thinking agents in unprecedented fashion.  Through said arenas, we are able to far surpass the dark age reliance on blind selection from an incomplete list or static resume.  In the vibrant, transparent Web 2.0 world, true professionalism and terrifying idiocy are both quick to reveal themselves.  Through years of interaction with agents across these forums, I have cobbled together a relocation team by happenstance.  No longer do I have to cross my fingers when making a referral to another agent, as I have trusted professionals in countless nooks and crannies throughout the country.

Going back to Cali and need an agent to help you discover Topanga Canyon?  I’ve got you covered.

Topanga a little spendy for your budget?  Perhaps this Ventura County Realtor can find something more your speed.

Is the Pacific Northwest calling your name (or tapping it out via Morse raindrop code, as it were)?  You will be in good hands with the best Salem, Oregon Real Estate agent (and part-time Paul tormentor) that I know.

From the stockyards of Fort Worth, Texas to the West Bank of New Orleans, my network is comprised of not only outstanding agents, but truly exceptional people.

Do your folks back East want to join you here in Scottsdale?  I don’t blame them.  Make sure they speak to this Colts Neck, New Jersey Real Estate agent.  Whatever he tells them about me is a lie.

And your cousin needs an agent in Pennsylvania?  Tell this West Chester, PA Realtor that Dimples says hello.

Tired of the rat race of the lower 48 and eager to get your Jack London on?  Give my best to the Spouses Selling Houses in Fairbanks, Alaska when they find you the ideal wilderness retreat.

The online Real Estate community continues to prove a boon for consumers and agents alike.  While information is readily available for most any need, information alone cannot supplant the first-hand experience gained through established relationships.  Take advantage of the unexpected connections your chosen representative has forged during the growth of his/her online presence.  If I don’t personally know an agent in a particular market, you can rest assured that a member of my relocation network will.  Six degrees of Real Estate separation?  Hardly.  At most, I’ll require two.

Oh, and I also know to whom I wouldn’t send a client for all the consonants in Poland.  Consult your Realtor if for no other purpose than to ensure that no Gorgons make an appearance on the short list of candidates.

My reputation is on the line when I trust another agent with my clients’ business.  It is a responsibility I take seriously.  No matter where your Real Estate need arises, contact me before going it alone.  Chances are I am exactly one phone call away from ensuring that you or your loved one enjoy the Real Estate experience you deserve.  It’s the next best thing to packing up your agent and taking him with you.

Of course, if you are moving to Bora Bora, I’m willing to commute.

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