How Not To Draft Your Short Sale Hardship Letter

To whom it may concern,

I am drafting this explanation of hardship in attempt to effect a short sale of my property located at 88 W. Tantalus Lane, Scottsdale, AZ 85258.

When I purchased the property on 1/16/2005, I was under the impression that Real Estate values never declined. That’s what the guy doing the seminar behind the Benihana on 12th said, at least. Granted, I wasn’t thinking clearly because I skipped dinner and the aroma of szechuan beef was driving me half mad with hunger, but I decided right then and there that I was going to put all sixty two of my dollars into Real Estate investing. If he could buy 764 properties for no money down, why the hell couldn’t I?  Figured I could finally hang up my plunger for good.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to swab out a stall after the sponsored little league team comes through and crushes fifty happy meals in four minutes flat?

So I bought a place. And another. And another. Before long, I had both shift managers leasing houses from me. It was awesome. One time, Steve, the ball-buster who managed nights, told me I overcooked the fries. My shift ended two hours before his. I threw all his shit out in the front yard and changed the locks. Nobody complained about my fries after that.

Anywho, after my brother in law flew down from Sacramento and got his Real Estate license in like six minutes, he hooked me up with this appraiser guy. Got all the houses refi’ed for 200% of purchase price and bought this here spread for cash. I only put the mortgage on it with you guys so I could cash myself out to fund the hotel in Fiji.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I lost my job. Got laid off right after telling the regional manager that his fat $%&^ of a wife better start watering my hibiscus or they’d be on the street faster than she could cram a number eight combo down that feed trough she called a throat.

Downsized, I couldn’t believe it. With values beginning to sag, the double whammy of losing the $5.75/hour and a solid tenant was the start of a downward spiral that I couldn’t escape.

The Internal Revenue Service started coming around about this time and asking stupid questions like, “Exactly how many primary residences do you have,” and “Did you really think you could complete a 1031 exchange into a Peruvian brothel?” They seized my liquid assets. Communists.

After I got out of prison, I spent 16 months in Tijuana clearing my head. I took some part time custodial work in the entertainment industry, but as fate would have it, the goddamn donkey got the drop on me one night. Kicked me right in the lower bicuspids as I was bending down to hose off the astroturf. As medical coverage wasn’t provided by this particular employer, I was pushed further into debt by the street vendor who fashioned my new teeth out of cardboard and chicklets. Now every time I smile, I provide free advertising for “Beto’s Baja Fish Tacos.”

Despondent, I returned home to find my brother in law (who had since given up on Real Estate and was now selling Tang on Craigslist full time) had let my properties go completely to pot. Broken windows, four foot high weeds in the yard, missing air conditioning units … all of my tenants were long gone. Except for the dead guy we found in a barcalounger at the Clarendon duplex (I think you have the loan on that one, too?). That episode put me in counseling for a year. That’s when the whole drug thing really got out of hand.

So anyway, do you really want this piece of &*%^ back or what? We smoked the drapes.

Best,

Hugh Joversite

 

Please like & share:
  • Paul, I think I know this guy, he bought a few properties here where I live! If you can get his short sales approved in AZ perhaps we should talk.

  • As fate would have it, old Hugh’s short was ultimately derailed by the fifth lien charge-off that was being pursued as a collection by that Peggy guy from the Discover Card commercials. A pity. This was one of the easier ones 😉

  • Paul –
    That is some SWEET writing!
    LOVE IT!
    Mike Mueller´s last blog post ..The man with the not so golden voice

  • Thanks, Mike. I appreciate the read.

  • P this is fabulous. I did a short sale several years ago where the investor had read something called “arm chair investing.” You sit in your chair and make money…
    Melina Tomson´s last blog post ..So close…

  • Awesome. As technology marches forward, we won’t even need to expend the effort to walk to the armchair. Can’t wait for the inevitable Iphone REM app that will put all of our money into whatever we dream about the night before. “Damn, maxed out my Roth contribution on gumballs again this month.”

  • I had a short sale client whose story was pretty close to this guy’s – unfortunately he did not disclose to me that he owned multiple properties in several states. His lender was the first to mention it to me, – Countrywide had graciously granted 100% 80/20 primary home financing on ALL of them in the same year.

    I had a headache for 7 months.
    Virginia Hepp´s last blog post ..Mesquite Short Sales -Why Wont the Second Agree – They Get Nothing if Foreclosed

  • Nice to see you, Virginia. I had a beaut (I was the buyer’s agent) where it was only discovered after gaining approval from the first (a 5 month process) that the second had been charged off. I always have my title company run a search prior to submitting on a short, but there was no record at the time. The third party collection agency demanded 50k on a 59k line. The home was foreclosed upon two months later.

  • OMG! I am in tears with a gut ache before 8am.  You are freaking HILARIOUS -this is awesome stuff – you are as good as the guy who wrote the book “Sh*t My Dad Says” -you should be famous for this.

  • You’re too generous. The most I can boast is a certain level of infamy amongst a select few, but I’ll take what I can get. Always nice to find a new set of eyes. Thanks for giving me a read.

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Paul Slaybaugh is here to sell houses and chew bubble gum. He's all out of bubble gum. More About Me >>>

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