50 Things I’ve Learned Since 2007

One does not live through a Bubonic Real Estate Plague without lancing a few boils, or learning a thing or fifty. For your own edification, I give to you the lessons of a post-bubble Scottsdale Real Estate agent.
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  • Real Estate values can, indeed, decline. Oh, how they can decline.
  • “Short sale” is synonymous with “tall tale.”
  • “Days On Market” can be tabulated by cutting open a listing and counting the rings.
  • Banks make lousy neighbors.
  • Poverty is the new Atkins.
  • “Capital Gains” section of the US Tax Code has been renamed “Skip Ahead.”
  • A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Both are worth 40% less than they were in 2006.
  • There are no stupid questions. Unless an underwriter is asking it.
  • The 2 Live Crew’s 2010 box set release includes a remastered “Me So Hungry” mix.
  • New Fannie Mae guidelines call for additional “skin in the game” from borrowers. 20% down payment requirement to be bolstered by virgin sacrifice starting April 2011.
  • Updating one’s Facebook status counts as a billable hour.
  • Top Ramen goes with everything.
  • Grim Reaper costume at listing appointments … funnier in theory.
  • Replacing GPS in vehicle with a taxi meter = stroke of genius.
  • Mortgage brokers now housed next to spotted owls at the Phoenix Zoo.
  • Obtaining short sale approval from the bank not unlike Tim Robbins crawling through 100 yards of raw sewage to reach freedom in “The Shawshank Redemption.”
  • An appraiser is the definitive authority on a home’s value. Except when he isn’t.
  • If you close one eye and squint at your bank account ledger, the zeroes look like eights.
  • The National Association of Realtors decrees now to be the best time to buy a house for the 8612th consecutive month.
  • We are the fevered dream of J. Robert Oppenheimer.
  • “Stop, Drop and Roll” implemented as new fiscal policy following 2010 mid-term elections.
  • It takes 10,456 licks to get to the center of a mortgage-backed security.
  • Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan rumored to be next target of Chris Hansen in upcoming edition of “To Catch a Predator” on Dateline NBC.
  • Lockboxes make excellent paperweights.
  • Alka Seltzer is a gateway drug.
  • Announcing “Now I’ve seen it all” is an open invitation for Mike Tyson to show up at your next closing to gnaw on the escrow officer’s ear.
  • We still won the Cold War, though, right?
  • Social Media works on even the toughest stains.
  • A family of four can live off a pack of fruit flavored Mentos indefinitely.
  • Mysterious engine noise is remedied through proper use of the “+” button next to the “Volume” icon on the dashboard of an Infiniti FX35.
  • “Homeless” people officially rebranded “Debt-Free Persons” in 2009.
  • Bailing out failing banks without placing pre-conditions on funds tantamount to moving the headstones, but leaving the bodies.
  • Just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended, it turned into a beautiful butterfly. And then a pigeon ate its head.
  • The space between the bathroom vanity and toilet qualifies as a Real Estate niche.
  • Confucius say, “When going get tough, do BPOs.”
  • In case of emergency, the only thing separating Cheese Whiz from soup is a microwave.
  • There is no “i” in “team,” but there are eight of them in “I am going to stab you in the face if you don’t respond to my offer this week, First Bank of Indifference!”
  • The Mayans were optimists.
  • Pi = Median FICO score for a 2011 rental applicant.
  • Buyers and Sellers can’t both be the iceberg. Guess who’s been the Titanic for the past four voyages?
  • As ghost towns go, Tombstone ain’t got nothing on Queen Creek.
  • Osama Bin Laden is not dead, he’s just negotiating short sales for Citibank out of his cave in Pakistan. Please hold.
  • Negative Equity is eating Gilbert’s Grape.
  • Pompeii called. It said, “Sucks to be you!”
  • There are two types of people in the new economy. Let’s eat the other kind.
  • Life insurance is a misnomer.
  • The only thing we have to fear is fear of turning tricks in a truckstop restroom to pay the Iphone bill while our families eat cat food under a bridge itself.
  • US Bankruptcy Courts are the new golden arches: Over 1 billion people served!
  • Laughter is the best medicine. Jack Daniels is a close second.
  • The Halebop Cult people were right.

Did I miss anything? Drop me a comment to add to the list

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  • And a bonus entry: The US Treasury to be scrapped and relaunched under the name “Enola Gay.”

  • You made my day. I am recovered owner of 5 craptastic houses…there is life after BK.

  • Thanks for stopping in, Mase. Doesn’t matter what you do, you were touched by this economy in one way or another over the past three or four years. Hardened steel, we’ve become. Watch out, Indochina. We’re coming for our manufacturing!

  • Great list of reality… my favorite –
    “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Both are worth 40% less than they were in 2006” — made my day!

  • Very funny Paul, I don’t know which of the 50 I relate to more…..but I’m going to take your advice and now that I laughed I’m going to have a Jack Daniels.

  • Attagirl, Jody.

  • Ah, yes. And buyers being bribed (tax credits) or spooked (think higher interest rates) into buying now is never a long term strategy for recovery of the housing market.

    It’s too bad you couldn’t have shared this pearl on AR…but then again, you probably could, as a guest blogger on someone eles’s blog….

  • I teased it over there, William, so anyone who is interested will come on over to read it. I like the idea of having my stuff housed under one roof. Thanks for stopping by.

  • laugh my ass off funny Paul

  • 🙂

  • Bubble? This is the last of it? I am still laughing at this incredibly clever list. THANKS!
    Russell Lewis´s last blog post ..When Personal Coaching Turns Weird

  • For this cycle, at least, Russell. I’m calling this thing done on March 16th. Party at my underwater house!

  • These were just great, thanks so much for sharing them.
    I was looking for one about REO means AS IS, not AS you would like.

  • Ah yes, Scott, the infamous Princess Bride misconception: “As youuuuu
    wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!”

  • Paul, this is the one that made me guffaw hardest:
    •The space between the bathroom vanity and toilet qualifies as a Real Estate niche.

    Plus said niche provides the best view whenever the real estate market goes down the…well, you know.

  • Precisely, Rebecca. 😉

  • Yep, I’m now officially stalking your blog. How did I miss it all this time? This shit is funny.

    I think my favorite is: The only thing we have to fear is fear of turning tricks in a truckstop restroom to pay the Iphone bill while our families eat cat food under a bridge itself.

    followed closely by: There is no “i” in “team,” but there are eight of them in “I am going to stab you in the face if you don’t respond to my offer this week, First Bank of Indifference!”

  • I’ve been trolling yours for a little while now, too. Reminds me that some of the better writers out there are not necessarily the biggest national names. Always fun to discover talent in hidden (at least to me) nooks and crannies.

  • I’ve channeled that appraisal a couple times for fodder, Stacie. The only
    hitch to an otherwise flawless transaction. Look forward to doing another
    one together soon.

  • Stacie Muller

    This is hilarious! You are seriously funny! Guess I didn’t realize that when we did the cross sale on Rosemont last year. Your analogy of an appraiser is so true on that transaction! – Stacie Muller

  • Eric Michael

    Nice, but when’s the follow-up blog, “Where are they now?” style?

  • I haven’t learned anything since 2010. 😉

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Paul Slaybaugh is here to sell houses and chew bubble gum. He's all out of bubble gum. More About Me >>>

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